Dear Prudence
This ends now.
Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Prudence,
My condo complex gives each unit two covered parking spots. Guest parking is spare and street parking is next to nil. I was one of the first in the building, so my spots are nearest to the door. I work from home and don’t currently have a car. I still don’t want people using the spaces I pay for. One of my neighbors has a nasty habit of parking her giant SUV across both of my spots in order to get her kids and crap in and out of the building. I have repeatedly left notes for her to stop. She plays up the fact that she is pregnant, has twin toddlers, and her parking is far away. I have told her that I pay for the spots, they are mine, and I don’t want to deal with the hassle of getting her to move her SUV when I have people over. Again, she tries to spin me a sob story about how she and her husband are looking for a bigger place but the market is so awful right now (all the units are one or two bedrooms). We did this song and dance for weeks. She will move the SUV for a few days and then be right back to parking there. I really don’t want to be the bad guy here. Towing is rightly vicious and costly here. Do I have any other options but the big red button?
—Parking Wars
Dear Parking Wars,
The nice thing to do would be to let her park there. Seriously. It costs you nothing. And we have pretty amazing technology these days, so I’m unconvinced that sending a text that says “Please move the car, I have friends coming over at six” constitutes a “hassle.” You actually are kind of being the bad guy here! That is your right. But I can’t offer you a solution that lets you be the bad guy without also feeling like the bad guy.
Here’s an idea that could make you a slightly less bad guy and also allow this woman and her many children to park close to their home: Charge her rent for the parking space. Not a lot, but enough to make you feel like you’re getting something. The fact that she’s looking for a bigger place tells me she has a little extra money in her budget. So hopefully she can afford it. And you can avoid the unbearable feeling that you’re doing something out of the kindness of your heart.
Got a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it to Care and Feeding!
Dear Prudence,
One of my former college roommates is getting married—the first of our mid-twenties group of friends to do so. I’m thrilled for her, obviously, and extra thrilled that she asked me to be her maid of honor. The only issue is that I can’t stand her mother, who is a well-meaning but intolerable, domineering control freak. I had to spend several hours with the woman while we moved out before college graduation, and just that was enough that I (generally considered to be a calm and understanding individual) almost lost it. I guess she considered me the only other competent person in the room and tried to rope me into captaining half a dozen tasks unrelated to MY moving out process under her supervision. If a college graduation was enough to activate that part of my friend’s mother, I’m genuinely dreading what something like a wedding will do to her brain. She barely trusts her own daughter’s judgment as it is, and I don’t think a wedding to a partner that she only barely approves of will help. How do I prepare for this situation? Do maids of honor often have to socialize with the mother of the bride? What do I do if she starts trying to take over my friend’s day, which is likely? I have a year. Please help.
—Maid of Honor Versus Mother
Dear Maid vs. Mother,
I don’t think you’re going to want to tell your friend that her mom is a bitch. But here’s a way around that. “I would love to be your MOH! I am so honored. Can we go over what my responsibilities would be and who I would be collaborating with? I’ve heard a lot of stories about relationships strained by wedding planning, so I just want to make sure I have a clear picture of what you’ll need from me and what my jurisdiction will be before I agree. Basically, I know my personality and I know that I’ll do a great job if left to my own devices, but if I have to take a lot of instructions from, say, the wedding planner or your mom, I might struggle. At the end of the day it’s all about making sure your day is special, so hopefully I’m not overthinking this, but can we chat about how things will work and how any issues will be resolved?”
This relates to my larger view that brides and grooms should really have to sell you on being in their weddings. You’re going to be doing a lot of labor for no money under stressful circumstances. What are the perks? What’s the benefits package? What’s the workplace culture? Nobody should blindly agree to an arrangement that, when not properly negotiated, leaves about 75 percent of people feeling resentful.
Get Even More Advice From the Dear Prudence Podcast
Dear Prudence,
I’m a Southern WASP woman who’s been married to a South Asian man for over a decade. I took his surname when we married, and holiday cards, invitations, announcements, etc. have been addressed from our shared family name for years. To note, my husband has a western first name and traditional South Asian last name. We recently received a wedding invite from my cousin addressed to Mr. and Mrs. First Name Last Name, but the spelling of both were mangled hideously and a bit offensively (think misspelling Adam Singh to Apu Singsong). My husband was irritated, but looked for all the innocent reasons—it was probably the bride’s parents who addressed them, maybe a spell-check messed up, someone’s handwriting got misinterpreted, etc.
But I’m ready for a fight—I agree that it’s probably incompetence and not malice, and I know we’re closer to “rando table” than “bridal party” in terms of invite importance, but this is pretty rude! Also, my husband and I go by our legal names on all social media, plus the aforementioned cards, etc. —it’s not that hard to look up our names if you aren’t sure. How should we respond? Add a note in with the response card? Reach out to my cousin (or his mom, to whom I’m closer?) Misspell “The Smiths” to “The Twits” until the end of time?
—Not My Name
Dear Not My Name,
One easy option: On the reply card, cross out the “Apu Singsong” version of the name and replace it with the correct spelling. Then add a note: “FYI for the seating chart and place cards.” This will get the message across. But only do this is you want to go to the wedding. Really think about that! If this is a “rando table” level relationship, and you have reason to believe your cousin and his wife don’t have enough regard for you to even try to get your name right, and you can’t shake the “ready for a fight” feeling, maybe this is not a couple who you want to celebrate at this particular moment.
Catch up on this week’s Prudie.
More Advice From Slate
I have never really enjoyed sex in all the years I’ve been doing it and with all the partners I’ve had. I don’t feel horny, I don’t masturbate, and it doesn’t feel good to me. I’ve just always done it because that’s what you’re supposed to do in a relationship. As I get older, I find myself wanting to go along with it less and less. My partner has their “required minimum” times per week that is acceptable. Any less than that, they are miserable (their words)…