Feeling undermined, unappreciated, or unsupported by a colleague when you’re both in the same meeting can lead to loss of trust, along with feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence. But looking to see what you can do to help the situation, rather than dwelling on what someone is doing to you, can begin to ease tension and repair a dysfunctional working relationship. In this article, the author offers strategies to try when a coworker doesn’t have your back.
In my coaching conversations with Anna, she remarked that she felt unsupported by a colleague who she thought tried to sabotage her during team meetings rather than having her back. According to Anna, this coworker (we’ll call Dina) seemed to relish the opportunity to find something critical to say, shoot down Anna’s ideas, and rally others to an opposing viewpoint. The situation understandably caused Anna to feel vulnerable, doubt herself, and lose trust in a relationship she valued. As her executive coach, she turned to me for strategies to counter this negativity.
How can you repair the situation if this happens to you? Here are some strategies to consider:
Look at your own behavior.
Anna realized that the first step in changing the dynamic between her and Dina was to look at the ways she shared feedback with Dina and others on her team. She asked herself the following questions:
- Am I quick to judge others or celebrate their successes?
- What can do I do to set a positive tone in team meetings?
- How can I diffuse the tension with Dina before team meetings?
Make an effort to recognize wins.
According to Annie McKee, author ofHow to Be Happy at Workpeople generally have a need to be appreciated for their efforts. When we perceive a lack of appreciation, feelings of self-doubt and isolation can creep in.
One strategy McKee recommends for getting your work noticed is to first appreciate the work of others. By praising your colleague’s accomplishments, you can become a change agent in a culture that focuses on achieving goal after goal without pausing to savor accomplishments.
As Anna told me: “Our organization is fast-driving and values winning. We don’t often stop to look at where we’ve been.” She decided to recommend to her boss that “when a coworker makes an important contribution or finishes a significant piece of work, everyone stops for a second and claps.” Taking her own advice, Anna made a special effort to recognize Dina’s wins publicly during meetings and privately afterward.
Model how to reframe feedback.
If you notice an employee who makes negative comments during meetings, you can request a reframing of the offered feedback by modeling this approach. Amy Gallo, author of Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People)suggests following any critical comment with “but” or “and” statements.
For example, if you plan to share feedback about a project timeline being overly aggressive, you might say: “This project timeline is risky and may miss the original deadline — but if we build in the proper contingencies, we should still be on target to accomplish our goals.” The words “but” or “and” signal that the statement following the conjunction is the one the communicator wishes the other party to focus on even more than the first half.
Check in with your manager.
In my conversations with Anna, she thought it might be helpful to ask her manager for a one-on-one discussion — to “go up on the balcony,” so to speak, and get a view from someone less emotionally involved in the situation. She wanted to gauge her boss’s perception of the dynamics playing out at staff meetings to check her own perception of Dina’s negative behavior and be sure her interpretation was accurate. Anna also hoped to gain a sense of what her supervisor saw as her strengths and growth opportunities. This type of “check in” with your manager can be a helpful way to gain perspective when you feel unsupported by a colleague.
Seek internal validation.
Humans are evolutionarily wired to crave inclusion and have an innate drive to connect. In pre-historic times, this drive was linked with our survival: If someone was ousted from the group, their life would be at risk. Because these consequences of rejection were so extreme, our brains and behavior adapted to avoid disapproval from others. When we’re criticized, we can become insecure or defensive, which inhibits our growth. So it’s natural to look for validation from others at work, yet if we become too reliant on this external validation, we lose our sense of self-worth and autonomy.
This is why developing intrinsic motivation can be an effective strategy when you feel a colleague is making your life difficult. Intrinsic motivation means engaging in a behavior or activity because you find it interesting and satisfying, not because someone else wants you to do it. To get better at seeking internal validation, try to carve out time at the end of each day to reflect by writing down what went well, what you accomplished, and your strengths and skills. To foster intrinsic motivation in your job, try:
- learning new skills
- attending conferences
- volunteering to help others
- taking on a stretch goal
Ask your coworker for help.
After looking at her own behavior and gaining an outside perspective by taking with her manager about the conflict, Anna addressed her discomfort directly with Dina by swallowing her pride and asking her for help. She respected Dina’s technical skills, so when one of Anna’s projects ran into technical challenges, she walked into Dina’s office and said: “I’d like your help thinking through this project. What do you think we should do here?” Anna made a specific request of Dina that recognized her strengths.
The strategy worked, and Dina gave Anna helpful advice that she then implemented. The request became a turning point in their professional relationship, and ultimately, Anna no longer felt unsupported by this colleague.
Feeling undermined, unappreciated, or unsupported by someone you work with can lead to loss of trust with a teammate, along with feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence. But looking to see what you can do to help the situation, rather than dwelling on what someone is doing to you, can begin to ease tension and repair a dysfunctional working relationship. You have the power to look within, do things differently, and ally with others and yourself to create the supportive workplace environment you need.