Just weeks after The Great British Bake Off dazzled viewers with its ignorance of Mexican cuisine and culture, the show has announced its debut into a new unexplored territory: London’s West End. A tweet this week announced the upcoming premiere of The Great British Bake Off Musical in England’s theater capital. The preview video features what is either a Paul Hollywood or Guy Fieri stand-in, a stunningly true-to-life set of the iconic tent, and a group of apron-sporting contestants dancing their buns off.
Naturally, a GBBO musical means GBBO songs. But although the show debuted this summer in Cheltenham, England, the tracklist is nary to be found online. Luckily for you, Bon Appétit employs a crack team of journalists, critical thinkers, and musical theater nerds who dreamed up their own repertoire for what’s sure to be a showstopper. So as the show moves to the West End, we wanted to submit our Star Baker–worthy predictions (and unsolicited song pitches) for what a GBBO Musical may sound like. —Nico Avalle
1. “Into the Tent,” our welcome to the unconventional world of Bake Off, its judges, presenters, and the rules governing its contestants.
2. “The World Will Dough,” an introduction to the many quaint Brits joining us this season and their weird, specific hobbies. Oh nice, the old guy is into birdwatching, very original.
3. “Too Many Cooks Spoil the Goth,” an aspirational “I want” song from actor, comedian, and gender role defier Noel Fielding, yearning to be himself in a world that won’t let him (network television).
4. “What Baking Can Do.” Yes, the song from Waitress. Just steal it.
5. “Le Jam Hot,” a steamy burlesque number wherein one baker attempts to make strawberry jam for the first time.
6. “The Worst Pies in an Obscure Estate Somewhere in northern England.” One blundering baker insists that some esoteric regional bake will wow the judges, until Paul spits his bite out during tasting.
7. “Make You Laugh,” a sinister villain number about Matt Lucas making bakers uncomfortable with his…unique sense of humor.
8. “It’s the Ruff Puff Life (for Us),” kick-off track for the technical challenge—the judges are expecting perfect, flaky pastry in just under an hour.
9. “Handshake/Heartbreak,” a tense duet between judge Paul Hollywood and a young tenor eager to impress the bread daddy with his baps.
10. “My Shot.” The act three closer is an ensemble number where the whole cast tries to impress Prue Leith by adding alcohol to their bakes.
11. “Stodgy, Soggy, and Stuck.” A baker sings a ballad about forgetting to turn on their oven.
12. “Defying Claggity,” a redemption track where the weakest contestant thus far blows the judges away in the showstopper with a light, airy chiffon cake shaped like Sir Isaac Newton.
13. “Little Shop of (Culturally Insensitive) Horrors.” Oh god, they’re making tacos again.
